Shiny and New

WARNING: This blog is tres VULGAR today. If you have any problem with words dealing with female anatomy, do not read this. But know it is not me repeating the word PUSSY over and over again for fun.

You know how sometimes you wake up from an afternoon nap feeling rested and so gosh-darn happy? I woke up just now and feel like wringing someone's neck. Not for any particular reason, though-I just woke up feeling crabby. So scrolling about the Interwebs in the hope of cheering myself up and protecting those around me, I found this:

A Japanese blow up doll with a reloadable hymen and simulated bleeding. Her simulated weeping, disappointment and thinking "Is that IT?" not included.

It is entirely possible that on another day, when I wasn't feeling so crabby, I would find this hilariously funny. But considering I had also just read about the vagina facial, or the vagacial, I was not feeling all that amused. Yes, this sounds entirely fake, but sadly, it is true. Technically, it is a facial for the vulva, if you can call that a facial, but that is quibbling really. This is along with the vaginal rejuvenation surgery one can have (in which the doctor returns the vagina to it's pre-child glory), the anal bleaching, the full Brazilian wax and the makeup that enpinkens the labia.

You know what bothers me about all this? What is really icky? There seems to be a theme of a preference for a pre-adolescent vagina. Squeaky clean, hairless, childishly pink and untouched. In other words, a grown woman's ladyflower is yucky and unappealing. And as much as I would love to blame men entirely for this, it is women who are undergoing these procedures and ablutions. Men, to my knowledge, are not undergoing any testicular buffing or penile improvement projects to return themselves to the penis of their pimply, masturbatory purgatory. And certainly, men have their own issues around youth which is why plastic surgery for removal of man-boobs is one of the fastest growing demands in the industry. By and large, this appears to be a female thing, this obsession with youthfulness that now extends to our nether regions. And while I am trying to prolong my youthfulness with creams and serums, I recognize that my face, as well as the rest of me, is just going to follow the course of nature, which is whatever my genetics and lifestyle dictates. I am just as guilty of lusting after a youthful glow, but it ends with Pilates and Strivectin for turkey neck.

I could go on and on about the sociology and societal repercussions of all this, but instead I will just say this:

Eeeeeeeeewwwww. Enough. Stop. Leave it alone. It's super as it is.

And men who order the Japanese Virgin Sex Doll? I think this is a wise use of your $95. Because you clearly should not be dating real women. At all. Ever.