Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Elf Sex

Ok, Im gonna starf with a few simple ELF-facts.
Elf sex is possibly the safest sex on earth. They dont carry sexually transmitted diseases and you cant get pregnant or make an Elverine pregnant unless you both want to, which is not unheard of.
And YES there are female elves, elverines. And theyre HOT HOT HOT, even to girls. That reminds me: All elves are bisexual, but guys and girls not ready for some same sex action dont worry, no elf will do anything you dont want to. They can sense your longings and not-longings.

How I wish I had written this. But unfortunately, my frothy imagination does not extend to a porn version of Lord of the Rings. But I digress. Do let me explain.

Wandering about the internets and blogosphere, I found this fantastical blog called Sex With Humans is Boring. That title had the potential to go so many different and horrible ways, but I figured that, because it said "humans" rather than "people", it was more likely martian sex. But it is so much better, because it is REAL. And it happens in Iceland. And I KNOW it's true because Hallgerdur Hallgrimsdottir did it. And wrote a pamphlet detailing it. With pictures. Stick figure drawings really, complete with erect penises. An Elf Fucking for Dummies, if you will.

So reading the above Elf Facts leads to me to believe that a) elf sex is far more satisfying than, say, sex with a revirginating blow up doll and b) Elverines are a lot like college girls after too much Jagermeister. But here is why it's better--no roofies or walk of shame involved. This is ethereal, perfect sex, with semen that is shimmery and beautiful. An elf is extremely flexible and strong, easily accomplishing pages 75-114 in The Kama Sutra. All one needs to do is wander where the elves live, which is in the Icelandic craters for Hallgerdur. Will it to happen, and it will. Like a dream. Except it's not. Because it's true.

But don't feel bad, human men, they are said to have superduper skills, not superduper equipment.

This is pretty unfair to those of us who don't live in Iceland. They KNOW where to go to find their elf-lovin'. I only know about the Back Bay Fens, and I sure as hell am not going there. I shouldn't mock Iceland, though, because they seriously do believe in elves. And this adorable girl looks like an elf herself. In fact, in one of her blog entries, she wonders if maybe she is the product of her mom's elfin action.

I highly recommend watching the video at the link below for all the information you will ever need about elf sex. So I say, Fuck Vegas. What happens in Reykjavik, stays in Reykjavik.

1 comment:

  1. We don't feel badly. Guys love elves too!

    And it's a hell of a lot better than having sex with Hobbits!