Monday, February 15, 2010

Shiny and New

WARNING: This blog is tres VULGAR today. If you have any problem with words dealing with female anatomy, do not read this. But know it is not me repeating the word PUSSY over and over again for fun.

You know how sometimes you wake up from an afternoon nap feeling rested and so gosh-darn happy? I woke up just now and feel like wringing someone's neck. Not for any particular reason, though-I just woke up feeling crabby. So scrolling about the Interwebs in the hope of cheering myself up and protecting those around me, I found this:

A Japanese blow up doll with a reloadable hymen and simulated bleeding. Her simulated weeping, disappointment and thinking "Is that IT?" not included.

It is entirely possible that on another day, when I wasn't feeling so crabby, I would find this hilariously funny. But considering I had also just read about the vagina facial, or the vagacial, I was not feeling all that amused. Yes, this sounds entirely fake, but sadly, it is true. Technically, it is a facial for the vulva, if you can call that a facial, but that is quibbling really. This is along with the vaginal rejuvenation surgery one can have (in which the doctor returns the vagina to it's pre-child glory), the anal bleaching, the full Brazilian wax and the makeup that enpinkens the labia.

You know what bothers me about all this? What is really icky? There seems to be a theme of a preference for a pre-adolescent vagina. Squeaky clean, hairless, childishly pink and untouched. In other words, a grown woman's ladyflower is yucky and unappealing. And as much as I would love to blame men entirely for this, it is women who are undergoing these procedures and ablutions. Men, to my knowledge, are not undergoing any testicular buffing or penile improvement projects to return themselves to the penis of their pimply, masturbatory purgatory. And certainly, men have their own issues around youth which is why plastic surgery for removal of man-boobs is one of the fastest growing demands in the industry. By and large, this appears to be a female thing, this obsession with youthfulness that now extends to our nether regions. And while I am trying to prolong my youthfulness with creams and serums, I recognize that my face, as well as the rest of me, is just going to follow the course of nature, which is whatever my genetics and lifestyle dictates. I am just as guilty of lusting after a youthful glow, but it ends with Pilates and Strivectin for turkey neck.

I could go on and on about the sociology and societal repercussions of all this, but instead I will just say this:

Eeeeeeeeewwwww. Enough. Stop. Leave it alone. It's super as it is.

And men who order the Japanese Virgin Sex Doll? I think this is a wise use of your $95. Because you clearly should not be dating real women. At all. Ever.


  1. Holy moly. Yeah, that would piss me the hell off today too. Seems to be going around.

  2. Simone: I could not agree with you more and I want to praise you for putting these words down. It is as if you were inside my head. And yes, I too could go on and on and on...

    And I never even knew about the doll.

    Many thanks- Nancy Loftus Keast

  3. First of all, naps are dangerous. I only take them if I absolutely have to.....late night gig two nights in a row, etc. Why? Because I always wake up feeling depressed, like some weird chemical imbalance invades my dreams and my body.

    As far as blow up dolls go.....Are you freakin' kidding me? You're right on that. Those guys should never date a real woman EVER!

    Shaved or unshaved? To use the words did you say it...pimply, masturbatory young's all GOOD!

  4. OMG. I think even if I was in the happiest of moods, this would still irk me. What IS the obsession anyways with bald va-jay-jays? I'm proud to be a woman, and perhaps, it's just that the men out there looking for innocence are just worried about their own abilities in the sack and need someone who has no clue as to what they're missing out on?

    Perhaps we're just too much woman for them. And perhaps when the doll is crying it's actually making up for the fact that it only lasted a few seconds?

    However, on another note, you cracked me up. Thank you. :)

  5. I think part of the bald obsession is porn. It gives everyone, men and women, a warped view of what is normal. Just like BJ's have become commonplace, hairless ladyparts and anal sex are now automatically assumed to be on the menu.But that's a blog for another day!

  6. That is true. The world of Porn has really skewed what is normal, healthy sex. I mean, seriously. Ron Jeremy? Ick.

  7. Ron Jeremy looks like the school bus driver everyone stayed away from. Just pervy and icky.

    I hope you will subscribe to my blog! I like the way you think!