Monday, April 19, 2010

Wonder Woman

Consider Wonder Woman. She has the star underpants and cool bustier, the sweet belt, the cuffs, the lasso of truth and the silly invisible airplane (silly because she is not invisible, just the plane. Not so useful, if you ask me.) All decked out in her superhero finery, she is fucking WONDER WOMAN. No way to hide, not that she wants to. But you should, suckah.

Consider Diana Prince, Wonder Woman's alter ego. Meek-appearing military secretary, she hides behind her prim hairstyle and glasses, and no one recognizes her. She's still Lynda Carter in all her mammacious glory, but somehow the glasses and bun, but especially the glasses, disguise her true, crime-fighting, ass kicking self.Her glasses seem like the disguise, rather than her full-on regalia.

When I started wearing glasses full time, maybe 7 years ago, it was for the simple reason that I failed the eye exam on my driving test. I could no longer deny that I needed them. After seeing A Clockwork Orange in high school, the idea of touching my eyeballs in any way was too icky for me to even contemplate (still!) so glasses it would be. I found some surprising benefits of wearing glasses: 1) I could actually see 2) undereye bags were no longer visible. But now I feel wrong without them. My kids always say I don't look like myself when I take them off. But here is the funniest part--the glasses have given me an identity I never knew I had.

Last year, we played our first REALLY BIG show in a REALLY BIG club. There were three other bands on the bill, one of which was an adorable group of tattooed boys. And after we introduced ourselves and exchanged the normal pleasantries, one of the cuties said to me, "You look like a Naughty Librarian". And I laughed and said thank you, because frankly, that is a compliment of the MILF variety, which is to say, AWESOME! It remains one of my favorite compliments of all time. And interestingly, there have been some variations on the "librarian" thing, (teacher, scientist) but I have heard this same comment a number of times since then. And I am convinced it is because of my glasses. And I had one really graphic request that involved me leaving on my glasses for a critical sexual moment.

Motherfuckers, I am no librarian. I am hardly the prim and proper schoolmarm. But for some reason, people seem to be waiting for me to whip off my glasses and go all Hot For Teacher. And I LOVE that. As if my glasses are the cork in a barely contained bottle. But I am a hell of a lot more likely to whip off my glasses and kick yer ass. I'm not big into bikinis, but give me a pair of cuffs, and I am ready to lasso your sad little self and make you cry uncle. Ooh, that sounded naughty. And fun! I don't have any data to back up the concept of a woman with glasses being either naughtier or more dominant than other women, but I swear on Diana Prince, we are. But it could be the red hair. Or my Napoleon Complex. Whatever it is, I don't give a fuck. Because I can turn you all into a bunch of pussies just by putting my glasses on. And that makes me a fucking superhero.


  1. You're right. A women with glasses always has a mysterious quality to them. "What would they look like if they took them off and put their hair down?" "And what would they do?"

    I say, just leave the damn glasses on. I like a bit of mystery.

  2. Bitch, I ROCK my glasses!!!

    Now, I DON'T wear them when I go to the bar and shit like that... I don't want anything to take away from the gorgeous-ness of ME!

    My glasses are purple, before these I had pink ones!!! If I'm wearing glasses (because I too WILL not be poking a goddamn thing into my eye) they are going to be badass!

  3. GUY, without the glasses, I can't see how adorable you are. So you definitely want me to leave them on.

    CB, I think I got the lunatic seal of approval on my glasses when, after a show, a dude asked if he could give me a facial WITH MY GLASSES ON. I imagine that would be a bitch to get off the lenses, but I didn't take him up on the offer, so I wouldn't know.