I am trying to have a clever lead in to what I am trying to say, but you know what? I am just going to get to my question: Are men really the simpletons we women are led to believe? Well? Are you?
I ask this because I was wandering about the interweb looking for health information and hit on the motherlode that is Men's Health magazine. And under the guise of addressing health issues by tackling America's 30 Worst Sandwiches (FYI, fellas--Hooter's Smothered Chicken Sandwich is on the list at 800 calories, which does not fulfill your "smothered" and "Hooters" fantasy, but will instead cause you to grow moobs) and the incredibly helpful-to-hipsters How to Grow a Great Beard, they hide all kinds of silly dating advice and sex tips that anyone over the age of 17 know are a) obvious and b) will not work without sincerity. I mean, under 6 Secret Ways to Turn Her On is REPLACE THE BOTTLE ON THE WATER COOLER. I know that back in my office days, every time I changed the water cooler bottle, panties went flying. And they weren't always mine. And yes, motherfucker, I CAN change the bottle myself.
This is a sample of a list called Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers:
4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."
5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"
8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."
10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"
16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."
18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"
Let me just do a little tiptoe through these beauties...
4 and 5 were clearly dreamt up by a man. Food, fucking, beer and fluid loss are all so closely linked in man's mind that, unless she was totally pissed at said man, such as , "Gee, I know walking the dog is going to be so taxing. Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?", I cannot see a woman EVER saying that. EVER. 8 and 18 are women you should run from as fast as you can. 10 was said by a gay man. And 16--that would require an experiment to see if it was actually possible for a human voice to affect nipples the way, say, air conditioning can. I'll get back to you on that.
I asked some of my male friends for some sexy lines they have received, and got these. I cannot vouch as to whether they were actually said by a live woman, or just heard by the man in that twilight state between wakefulness and sleep, but here they are:
"I want you to punish me."
"I want to have your babies."
"I want you inside me."
"If I whip your cock out, are you going to stop me?"
"I beg your hard-on." (I'll wait while you finish laughing with this one)
So what have we learned? That men are, by and large, simpletons, and Men's Health has it right. But I mean simpleton in the best possible way--straightforward and uncomplicated. They appreciate a direct approach. I truly believe that most men, if offered a slab of ribs, a beer and a blowjob, would happily agree to die immediately after, knowing that nothing could top it. Ever. Men, you are delicious and silly and a relief from my own insane complicated brain, and I thank you. If only smoked meats were enough for me. I need shoes, too.