Monday, April 12, 2010

The Mayor of Simpleton

I am trying to have a clever lead in to what I am trying to say, but you know what? I am just going to get to my question: Are men really the simpletons we women are led to believe? Well? Are you?

I ask this because I was wandering about the interweb looking for health information and hit on the motherlode that is Men's Health magazine. And under the guise of addressing health issues by tackling America's 30 Worst Sandwiches (FYI, fellas--Hooter's Smothered Chicken Sandwich is on the list at 800 calories, which does not fulfill your "smothered" and "Hooters" fantasy, but will instead cause you to grow moobs) and the incredibly helpful-to-hipsters How to Grow a Great Beard, they hide all kinds of silly dating advice and sex tips that anyone over the age of 17 know are a) obvious and b) will not work without sincerity. I mean, under 6 Secret Ways to Turn Her On is REPLACE THE BOTTLE ON THE WATER COOLER. I know that back in my office days, every time I changed the water cooler bottle, panties went flying. And they weren't always mine. And yes, motherfucker, I CAN change the bottle myself.

This is a sample of a list called Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers:

4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."

5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"

8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."

10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"

16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."

18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"

Let me just do a little tiptoe through these beauties...

4 and 5 were clearly dreamt up by a man. Food, fucking, beer and fluid loss are all so closely linked in man's mind that, unless she was totally pissed at said man, such as , "Gee, I know walking the dog is going to be so taxing. Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?", I cannot see a woman EVER saying that. EVER. 8 and 18 are women you should run from as fast as you can. 10 was said by a gay man. And 16--that would require an experiment to see if it was actually possible for a human voice to affect nipples the way, say, air conditioning can. I'll get back to you on that.

I asked some of my male friends for some sexy lines they have received, and got these. I cannot vouch as to whether they were actually said by a live woman, or just heard by the man in that twilight state between wakefulness and sleep, but here they are:

"I want you to punish me."

"I want to have your babies."

"I want you inside me."

"Let's fuck."

"If I whip your cock out, are you going to stop me?"

"I beg your hard-on." (I'll wait while you finish laughing with this one)

So what have we learned? That men are, by and large, simpletons, and Men's Health has it right. But I mean simpleton in the best possible way--straightforward and uncomplicated. They appreciate a direct approach. I truly believe that most men, if offered a slab of ribs, a beer and a blowjob, would happily agree to die immediately after, knowing that nothing could top it. Ever. Men, you are delicious and silly and a relief from my own insane complicated brain, and I thank you. If only smoked meats were enough for me. I need shoes, too.


  1. Yeah, those are pretty much the lamest lines ever. I mean, I had better f-ing lines than that when I was 18 and asking guys if they worked for UPS because they had a nice package.

    Anytime a woman says she can picture lying beneath a guy, she's crazy, unless she's also a romance novelist. I mean, you don't say that shit out loud to a dude. I love my boyfriend and we have had some tender moments, but shit like that? Um, no.

    You're funny. I think I will add you to my blogroll.. not that it matters because no one reads my shit anyway.

  2. Trixie, I've been married a long time, but I am 100% certain that if I had said "I just love you so much!" after fucking, that I would still be single. In this way, I think men have it all over women--YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY EVERY FUCKING THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD. Self-censoring, along with driving a stick (ahem) and checking your tire pressure, are things every woman should master.

    I am going to run over and read your blog, my sweet. You won't be able to say no one reads your shit.

  3. I think the problem here is that women use lines to gauge intelligence. Women. in general, seem to be looking for more than a quick lay. You gals actually want substance (how dare you). A good line is a sign that the guy has some smarts... Maybe.

    However a young college guy hanging in bar doesn't give a damn about what's between a girl's ears, in my humble opinion. A girl giving a witty line will just confuse him.

    "Ha! That was a funny line... So are you gonna bed me or what?"

    And I agree about the "I just love you so much" after screwing. That's insane.

    Will somebody add my site to their blog roll, too? Ha! Adding sugarsnow to mine. :-)


  4. You are on my blog roll baby, as soon as I can post one without crashing my computer. I would do anything for you, you know that.

    The other night, I was had the great fortune to be hit on by a delicious 29 year old man who used every line he had on me. And you know what? I was utterly charmed. Because he honestly thought I had never heard them before. So sincerity goes a long way. An insincere invitation to a slab of meat and a fuck would be a buzzkill, I imagine.

  5. Indeed, GUY, and that's what I love about men. And the only thing I envy, aside from the peeing-standing-up thing.

  6. The "simple", yes, is the easy key to the man's cock. When a cum-dumpster is desired, we're practical and uncomplicated. We don't ask for directions, don't read directions, and certainly don't require them. The later the hour, the dimmer the venue, the lower the criteria. "Let's Fuck" saves time.

    For purposes of this blog, I can not lay claim to having ever been seduced by a line. The women who've successfully pursued me, have usually done so employing a good mix of reverse psychology and a killer smile. Coyly let me know they're interested, but leave it to me to state the obvious.

    On the flip side, I must confess to never having scored a babe with a line either. I've always believed that the smart women make a direct correlation between the lameness of the line and the paramour's skill in the sack, and was afraid of tipping my hand; the hot ones had heard it all too often before (yes, I believed this even in my 20's).

    I've always been turned off by the woman who would fall for a line. Her stock would immediately plummet if I felt clothes would fly simply by muttering some tired witticism. Yes, she might make a good receptacle, but, to me, the true litmus test of phenomenal sex is how you feel after the climax, and if the sex isn't phenomenal, why pursue it? (unless you're married)

    Now, if the old adage is true, that a girl decides in the first 10 minutes whether she's going to sleep with you, the guy's got a short window with which to submit his application. I'll agree with the author here, sincerity goes a long way in getting the job.

    As always, may Love Reign O'er you, even if it's just for 15 minutes

  7. Quad, I know it hurts you to agree with the author on anything, but for once we stand united. Sincerity is it, men. But the interesting thing here is that you have been seduced not by a single line but by a woman with Game, while claiming you have none. And you will forgive me, but from the way you write here, I HIGHLY DOUBT that you have No Game. Because saying you have No Game is a game itself. But the bottom line is, no matter how you get her there, once you are there, you have nothing but sincerity. And if you are bad in the sack, you are bad in the sack, regardless of how clever and charming you were on a barstool.

    And a request, Quad--your hand is a cum dumpster, Find another phrase, please.

  8. Are you fucking shitting me?????

    In case you lose any fluids? HA! FUCK you! Then die of dehydration dumbass!

    'safe' huh? I feel SAFE by my motherfucking self, with cigarettes, coffee and Xanex. Not under a fucking man.

    Whatever a mustache could be functional for. I DO NOT want to know thank you.

    Hmmmm, I can see the voice thing. I had this one guy that could fucking breathe 5 ft away and I'd be wet and ready.

    Those crying bitches need a therapist.

    "If I whip your cock out, are you going to stop me?" <----- Shyyyyea! Fucking awesome!

  9. Mustache rides, baby. Though I myself am not a fan of the mustache, it is all the rage amongst the hipsters here. All i can think is, I don't want what YOU had for lunch in MY pussy, thank you very much.

    I did cry once after sex. My first time. Because I thought I was sentenced to a life of THAT. THAT is worth crying over.

    CB, the world is full of women who not only have pussies, they ARE pussies. I think we have a responsibility to avenge our sex. Do you know how hard it is to get suburban women to admit they watch porn? But I keep trying.

  10. Nice to see this part of your blog is busy!! Sweet. And Happy Friday.

    From a "Simple Guy"

  11. Id just like to say Sugar, that my husband just read over my shoulder on this and thought this was hilarious... and hes actually hard to make laugh, not an easy feat. You have a new fan.
    Love your posts as always...
    Im using "I beg your hard on" some time in the near future I think! LMAO. xx

  12. Nightingale, tell your husband thank you. I love to crack the tough nuts, so to speak. :)

  13. Men aren't simpletons. Maybe the idiots you've met are, but this one surely ain't.

    Great post, I thoroughly enjoyed it and will be back for more (TWSS)

  14. I certainly concede that not all men are simpletons. One of my (male) friends ripped me a new one for implying that he, in all his complicated glory, would be satisfied with beer and a blowjob.

    I think there is a subset of you dudes who are labryinthine. And I am thankful for that. You guys are fascinating. But most of the men I know, really nice, smart men, are happy with straightforward sexual invitation. If there is bbq involved, or maybe a sandwich, all the better. But certainly not ALL of you. Maybe it's a New England thing?