Monday, April 26, 2010

It's Gotta Be The Shoes....

I bought these shoes. I found them, I loved them, I bought them. And I wore them. I wore them to our last show. The 4 1/2 inch heel brought me up into the world of the Big People, which was fun, though Axe Man Dan could have still rested his beer bottle on my head, had he felt the urge to take his life in his hands. But I felt HUGE, giant and totally sassy. How can you not, wearing red sandals with an ass kicking heel? But you know what sold me on these sandals? What really,really won me over? The ankle straps.

Here's what I noticed at the show before last--men have a Pavlovian response to a woman wearing shoes with ankle straps. I was wearing my favorite black sandals, and suddenly, well, yay. It was an instant party. There appears to be something about the straps that mesmerizes many (but not all, as my very unscientific research will show) a man into a pheromonic haze of horniness. For a woman who has never, EVER been approached at a bar (EVER! did I mention that?) it was like i dabbed filet mignon behind my ears. I have not laughed that hard in a long time. But instead of the eyes being on my boobs, they were on my SHOES. Which, while preferable, by and large, can be somewhat disturbing. Fortunately, said shoe-starer was cute as a button.

So I took to my Facebook page and asked the question thusly: Are heels with ankle straps hot? And if so, why? I also sent private queries to gentlemen I thought might prefer a private forum, i.e. not letting their freak flag fly in public. What I found was rather interesting, and while it did not adhere to the scientific method, it will give me information I need to continue my quest for world domination. Here are the cogent pieces of information I gleaned:

1. The younger the man, the less likely he was to notice shoes.

I don't know if this is because they are always so primed, that they don't need any additional sensory input. The older sweethearts that responded universally loved ankle straps with the following caveat

2. The sexiness of ankle straps correlates directly to whose ankles are strapped.

As my friend C. said, "As far as the effect of ankle straps, there's the lipstick on a pig factor ... ie cankle-straps are *not* hot." Yes, cankles are a definite no when it comes to these shoes, and apparently has the saltpeter effect on some. There is a "whole package" aspect that many men found necessary, that, as B. said, "women wear these shoes not because of a silly strap, but for confidence, and/or sex appeal." In other words, not just the shoes, but the attitude the woman wearing them then conveys. The Entire Woman. Hmmm. Call me suspicious, but I think the men that said this were trying to get into my pants.

3. The shoe interest did not necessarily correlate with a foot fetish.

Interestingly, only one of the men questioned was interested in feet, and some were downright grossed out by them. All agreed that gross feet negated the power of hot shoes. Period.

4. Ankle straps indicate a "ready to go" factor.

By this I mean it appears, to men, that the woman wearing such shoes seem to be more sexually ready and sexually adventurous than other women. I would argue that women wearing orthopedic shoes could probably prove this to be true, but never count out the girl in the Chuck Taylors. I'm just sayin'.

5. Ankle straps also hint at an invitation to bondage.

On this, those that had thought about it (any further than "gaaaaaah....drooooool") were unanimous and surprisingly articulate. C. said " guess would be that there is some sort of bondage subliminal tie-in with straps activating "manacles" pattern recognition center in the brain. That would add to hotness ... same would go for bejeweled chokers I'm thinking. " And PD said, "It's the fact that they are strapped to your feet, holding them in what looks to a guy like a 'mildly uncomfortable' position. Hints at light bondage really." And for our Jewish friends, J. said, "leather's either a mild SM fetish or a tefillin fetish if you ask me." The takeaway, as the business types like to say, is that the straps send a Ready-To-Go- And-Be-Lightly-Bound message, appealing to the inner caveman which wants to club a woman and drag her by her thong back to the cave.

6. These are the shoes that stay on during sex.

Again, almost universal, and the poor man who mentioned removing said shoes was quickly castigated for that blasphemy. It seems the ankle straps indicate that no matter what the activity, those shoes will not fly off and break the bedside lamp. R. said "the straps just shout...they're staying on ... they're here to stay through thick or thin..." and S. agreed, "it implies 'the shoes stay on, baby.' " I am not sure what the significance of hot shoes staying on during sex actually is, other than being prepared to run from the cops or to injure your bedmate, and none of my boys addressed this. I wish they would have. I'm still wondering. But I agree that it's hot.

In closing, I agree that there are sociological and societal reasons that we wear them, as my shoe-loving girlfriend E. posited, and Lady J. said, "it adds just the right touch of sex to a heel that would otherwise be a glorified sandal." But I believe these are the Pied Piper of Shoes. Put them on, and the hirsute masses will follow you anywhere. Mr. L. complained that he doesn't see them nearly enough, and I agree. But let me be clear--if you want ankle strap sandals of the lucite variety, go to Centerfolds. We may be willing to be tied up, but we are classy bitches. You'd be wise to remember that.


  1. I like them just for the height advantage.

  2. And what comes with the height advantage, Bluz? Even with my monster heels, I am 5'6" tops. So what am I missing?

  3. Shoes... heels.. pumps... I feel very differently about them these days! In fact I have actively avoided hells of any kind for about 3 years now. I wore ballet flats to my wedding for heavens! I am only just now able to begin to embrace heels again and the sexual prowess and confidence that can come with them. But then... I have had a slightly more f%$ked up relationship with heels, see through in particular, than most women, so its kind of a given that I viewed them with contempt for so many years and I have been slowly working my way back to 'owning' my sexuality again.

    BTW. Been chilling out to your music this arvo while studying... love it. What is your accent? like what’s the 'area'?

  4. What is it about those lucite shoes? I imagine heels would give you the willies after all you've been through, but yes, you should reclaim them and make them your own. NOT wearing them has been a form of self-protection, but from reading your blog, it sounds like you don't need that anymore. You are very brave.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that you are listening to Sugar Snow. God, that brought a tear to my eye. We will be recording at the end of May, so hopefully I will have an actual CD to send you. My accent--well, I have lived in Boston for many, many years, and the accent HERE is pronounced and distinct, but it hasn't done much to temper my Northern Ohio accent. It's all hard G's and R's. My bandmates get a chuckle when i sing "Breath Like Sumerrrrrrrr". Can't take the Ohio out of the girl, I guess. You've made my day, honey, and it's only 7:30 in the morning!

  5. I don't know about all that shit!!!


  6. I have decided to single-handedly slay every dad at my kids' school with my shoes alone. These will do it. They've already caused an injury, although not to me. :)

  7. I think the whole see through heels has come from both the dancers and the customers...
    The customers: Even the shoes are naked and see through... enough said.
    The Dancers:...See through matches everything! And doesn't 'say' anything. You don’t have a lot of personal 'freedom' in your outfits in a club because everything has to reflect what they want not what you want....

    One of the things I did recently was actually buy a pair of stripper type shoes, but they are black- shiny mary jane style with the platform and spike heel and ankle strap. Very rockabilly and I just LOVE them (if I had somewhere to wear them!!).. because you could never where something like that in the club unless it was you 'gimmick' and it worked for you...other wise it was too intimidating for men if most wore anything like that.
    I know it sounds ridiculous, and its not like they go "Those shoes are a little too confident for me".. it’s just perhaps that one feels a sort of confidence that is not quite what they are after...and it reflects in you money and that suddenly you have interest and money once you take them off.
    Now, I wear them round the house for funsies, and a little bit of f'you time.

    I’m glad I made your day sugar, you make mine when you pop on over to my blog! Its great study/chillout/Sunday arvo easy listening. Well a lot of it anyway, and that’s like my favourite kind of music these days!

  8. It's the heel, not the strap that causes the damage. The strap is just the final blow.

    Heels create a shift in the body. This is not about height, it's about repositioning. Basically the uncomfortable nature of the heel causes the woman to stand and walk in such a way that makes us stumble and make fools of ourselves.

    Leg lengthens, butt sticks out, back and shoulders arch, head tilts....then you need a visit to the chiropractor.

  9. Damn right bitch! Bring those fuckers to their knees!