Wednesday, March 3, 2010

An Extra Bizarre Wednesday RANT: Vegas Vagina

I will eventually stop obsessing about all things vagina , I promise. I thought I had covered everything, but that shows how limited my aforementioned frothy imagination actually is. Apparently, a totally bare ladyflower is so yesterday. Now, the cool thing is Vajazzling, applying a lovely rhinestone pattern to your painstakingly naked pussy. Like the woman in the video at this link. This is NSFW, although you can't really identify much, but do you want to explain to your boss why you are watching rhinestones being carefully applied to a vagina?

I am completely, utterly taken aback by this, but not because someone is adorning their privates in some way. After being a member of an all woman's gym near a college campus, I have seen more curiously placed tattoos and more appallingly placed piercings than I can ever erase from my mind. But, people, let's start with the basics. This takes a looooong time. A wax is over in the most painful two minutes of your life, but this takes so long, your aesthetician will be in your will by the time it's over. And I cannot imagine what one talks about with the woman who is APPLYING GLUE TO YOUR HOO-HA. Doesn't that sound wrong all on it's own? If it doesn't, it should. Because anyone who has ever had a band-aid on even a slightly hairy arm knows how much pulling one off hurts. Imagine that times three billion from probably the most sensitive skin on your whole body. How sexy.

But ok, assume that you are interested in this personal decor. Look at it. It's like a really sparkly case of genital warts. Through tights or underwear it would look like reptile skin. And during relations of a sexual nature, the friction would either a) cause a rug-type burn on your partner, assuming he/she overcame the shock of your bespangled pubis, and/or b) the dislodging of said gems as to cause a choking hazard.

Maybe I am missing the boat and the Studio 54 Vagina is here to stay. Lord knows I have missed the boat before--I thought the return of skinny jeans would die a quick death. And maybe I'm wrong that the sudden unveiling of this particular work of art, in a romantic, candle lit room, would not send blinding rays of light into the eyes of the unfortunate standing there. But I will say I cannot imagine bedazzled testicles, nor any man who would undergo such a thing. I may be overestimating the male sex, but I think, when it comes to testicles, men think they look fine just the way they are.


  1. 2 words... Candy Buttons -

  2. Yes, the worst thing a man can do is get a glow in the dark condom. Freaky!

  3. How would those candy buttons be made to stick? Frosting?

    I have never had the pleasure, Cassie. There is a void.

  4. It's scary. Save yourself the nightmare.