Monday, March 15, 2010

Pop Tart

I went to Trader Joe's today to buy more of the vanilla meringues that I am currently obsessed with, and they were giving away samples of something, as they do every day. Often they offer vile juices, like a watermelon/cucumber mix, or fair trade coffee, the smell of which peels the enamel off my teeth. Today they had "organic blueberry toaster pastries". And all the conscientious shoppers were crowded around the fool in the Hawaiian shirt, for a tiny square of unfrosted, fake Pop Tart, as if he were the Messiah himself. And I wanted to take those substandard rectangles of fake pastry bliss and throw them to the ground, like the tablets at Mt. Sinai, and castigate the legions for worshiping this golden calf. This golden calf of Trader Joe's,of Whole Foods, of doctor's orders to STOP DRINKING THE NECTAR OF THE GODS, Diet Coke. This golden calf of HEALTH. Damn all of you for buying into this concept of staying healthy, and dragging me in there with you. Because this is one of the things I resent most about getting older--I DON'T HAVE a twenty year buffer during which I can eat endless amounts of french fries and not worry about it. The worry is HERE. IT IS HERE. And I FUCKING HATE IT.

When I was in my twenties, not once did I think an errant pain or inexplicable infection meant I had cancer. I didn't wake up in the morning, groaning like my grandmother. I didn't even have a doctor! Who gave a shit? I lived on Diet Coke and chips and salsa, and was perfectly happy to not have to think about what corrosion was occurring inside my corporeal body. I didn't have gravity issues, gray hair, pterodactyl lines, chicken wings or even a size eight foot. I did not wake up in the morning and say a prayer of gratitude for the new day, drink green tea to detoxify, eat organic or worry about my weight in any other way but relative hotness. In short, I was young and blissfully stupid, and as I stood in smoke-filled clubs in Boston in the late 1980's, inhaling second hand smoke and losing my hearing, I was having the time of my life. I was an idiot in every way and I wouldn't change very much. If anything, I would have broken more hearts.

I have fallen into the trap of "well being", simply because it is now my reality. I have friends with cancer, friends with parents and even kids with cancer. People in their forties die, and while it is unusual, it isn't unheard of. Having children means planning ahead, so there is the clusterfuck of life insurance, wills and trusts. And, frankly, I don't want to die right now. Plain and simple. I have a lot to do, and dying would seriously interfere with getting my CD done and my dream of playing The Paradise. So, I gave up my Diet Coke, and it's been nearly four weeks. It is no easier, I feel no better, and I want to tackle every motherfucker who pops open a can in my presence.

But don't think I have lost my edge, people. On the contrary, this has forced me to get creative. If I am going to accept my fear of aging, my fear of death, I am going to fucking EMBRACE my fear of boredom and run with it. Late nights, playing music, stirring up trouble, moving way the hell out of my comfort zone...all on my new and improved To Do list. Because even with all the worry, i'd rather be where I am now. And no way am i going to look back and say that my twenties were the best years of my life. I really, really think those are now. I will make them that way. Just watch.

P.S. Trader Joe's organic toaster pastries do not make you healthy. They make you a Pop Tart Pussy. Either eat the real thing or stay home.


  1. "Because even with all the worry, i'd rather be where I am now. And no way am i going to look back and say that my twenties were the best years of my life. I really, really think those are now. I will make them that way. Just watch."

    Uh... I am so there with you on this one... In fact I spent the last year in an existential crisis about it. Now I’ve had enough, now I want my life back, the one I deserve to be living, the one that I’m proud of, the one that is in the servitude of the divine... I just have to be gentler with myself, and motivated for the joy of it, not the reward. I will be sitting back and seeing all the worry and all the pain in this life for what it is... temporary. Everything about living on this earth is temporary... So it is to be enjoyed and appreciated and treasured.
    It’s what I want to do, it’s what I feel I should be doing. It’s what I will be doing... Just watch.

    Love and organic vegie wishes to you...LOL

  2. A kindred spirit...I have definitely embraced that. Even on the longest of days, life is too short. I'll be watching what you do, for sure!

  3. growing up sucks! I wish I could eat grilled cheese with bacon and tomato and drink chocolate milkshakes like I used to, but now I'm confined to turkey with mustard on whole grain bread. yay!

  4. Ahh, sadly the new way of life for many of us. I gave myself the month of March to get into summer shape and I've made no progress. Hopefully I'll be sprinting to the finish next week. But it takes twice as much work to get half the results. Just not fair!

    I love Pop Tarts and used to down a box at a time. These days it's dark chocolate. I keep trying to convince myself that eating a handful every time I enter the kitchen isn't so bad. Shit, it's not like I'm eating a candy bar or something!

    Haven't forgotten about your guest post. Very soon!

  5. To eat anything but a real Pop Tart is sacrilegious, just as it is to live life not being true to oneself. (Would you eat a peanut M&M? I think not) That being said, a person's got to know their limitations, and sadly, as we age they begin to present themselves. The trick, of course, is to manage those limitations without sacrificing your soul. This is not easily mastered, and all too often the drags of "middler" age extinguish the fire of youth. You have that fire, and what's more, you know it. That is the key to life, my friend

  6. Thanks, Quadropheniac. Now if I could use that fire for good instead of evil.....