I have been drowsy all day, and I know exactly why. Yesterday was Medium's birthday party, and I had the honor of driving him and 5 of his pals to tubing. It is not news to me that boys smell--since I have two, I knew that. But HOW BAD BOYS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY SMELL is quite shocking and, in a word, vile. The drive there was loud and crass, which was manageable. But the way back, with the pubescent boys trapped inside their sweat soaked snow pants and howling with laughter at their own farts...the noxious fumes trapped in my closed car and everything from Sudbury home is foggy, no pun intended. I've since had it confirmed that yes, this is a Boy Thing, this celebration of the male stench, and that yes, they were right, you can set farts on fire.
I personally don't find farts funny, but I guess I find vaginas funny. Go figure. On this hilarious site called The Frisky, thefrisky.com, which I found via CNN, of all places, they write about all manner of things that are guaranteed to give me a giggle. They LOVE to list Top Fives(or Tens) and Best Evers, which I have a tremendous weakness for, so I eat those lists like wasabi peas and laugh myself silly. But the one that amused me most last week was The Top Ten Most Amazing Vaginas. And below the sexy picture of a woman (though not of her vagina) was a button to click for a slideshow. And I hesitated, because I didn't know what I would see. And yes, I feared the unknown vagina. And while I may have watched porn before, although I am not saying I have, pictures of vaginas deemed AMAZING on a porn site have an entirely different meaning than on The Frisky. I hoped. But I soldiered on, and laughed my way through. And just for you, here is their list of The Ten Most Amazing Vaginas. And I am going to quote them directly.
1. The Chick with Two Vaginas.
2. The Lady With Reading Material in Her Hoo-Ha
3. The World's Biggest You-Know-What
4. Her Vagina Can Bench Press More Than Your Vagina
5. But Can you Play Dixie With It? ( woman who can play the kazoo with her vagina)
6. The Girl Who Had No Vagina ( this was accompanied by a picture of Barbie)
7. The Star of "Teeth" (Vagina Dentata)
8. The Elongated Labia of Rwandan Women
9. She Had a Giant Among Vaginas
10. Her Untrimmed Hedges
Numbers 1 and 3 refer to quirks at birth. Number 3 and 9 are differentiated as follows: 3 is the "biggest" in terms of how many partners this porn star had in the World's Biggest Gang Bang, while 9 was actually, physically the largest, a woman who was 7'5 1/2" and had a baby with a 19" circumference. Number 8 refers to a cultural ideal of beauty in another country as opposed to the current trend of labioplasty in this country, and 10 is the woman with the longest pubic hair (28" long, if you are interested). 7 has a clip of the movie "Teeth" in which a marauding teenage girl terrorizes a town with her biting vagina. And 2, 4 and 5 are party tricks that make my vagina feel terribly inferior.
In other news, 50 Arab and Israeli chefs in Israel set the record for the largest plate of hummus ever recorded, 8800 pounds, served in a satellite dish. Not surprisingly, Lebanon, whose record of 4500 pounds was crushed by the Israelis, immediately claimed that Israelis had stolen the product and claimed it as Israeli.
This seems positively wholesome next to the vaginas doesn't it? But which one is more ridiculous?